Jonghyun's death confirmed suicide, friend posts his final message

WATCH: Fans of Jonghyun line up outside of a funeral home to pay their respects on Tuesday.

Seoul police have confirmed that SHINee singer Kim Jong-hyun died by suicide at a studio apartment on Monday.

Kim, better known as Jonghyun, was a K-pop superstar, and fans around the world are in mourning. Kim was found unconscious after his sister phoned police; he had sent her ominous text messages just prior to his death and she was concerned for his well-being.

One text message read “Final farewell” while another said, “I’ve had a hard time. Please let me go and say that I did a good job. This is my last word.”

Kim was rushed to the hospital but was declared dead on Monday evening (Korean time). He was 27 years old.

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Yonhap news agency said authorities found burned coal briquettes, which produce carbon monoxide, in a frying pan in the Gangham district apartment. Kim’s death is not being treated as suspicious, and his family has not requested an autopsy.

SM Entertainment, Kim’s management company throughout his career, released a statement Monday following his death.

“Our sadness cannot compare to the pain of his family, who had to say goodbye to a son and a brother, but we have spent a long time with him, and the SHINee members along with the SM Entertainment staff are all in deep mourning and shock,” it read in part.

“Jonghyun loved music more than anybody else and he was an artist who did everything to perform his absolute best on stage. It breaks our heart to have to bring this news to fans who loved Jonghyun so much. Please refrain from reporting on rumours and guesswork so the family of the deceased can honour him in peace. As per the wish of the family, the funeral will be held quietly with his relatives and company colleagues. Once again we show our deepest condolences to Jonghyun on his last journey.”

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Two weeks prior to his death, Kim sent a lengthy text message to his friend, Jang Hee-yeon, another K-pop star from the band Dear Cloud. Known by the moniker Nine9, Jang was told by Kim to post the text to social media “if he disappears from the world.”

Jang received permission from Kim’s family before posting the message. The translated version of Kim’s message is below (translation by Catherine Chung of The Korea Herald.)

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. 종현과 마지막 인사를 하고 왔어요. 웃고 있는 영정사진을 보고서도 저는 여전히 종현이가 제게 다가와 이 모든 게 꿈이었던 것처럼 웃어줄 것 같았습니다. 얼마 전부터 종현이는 제게 어둡고 깊은 내면의 이야기들을 하곤 했어요. 매일같이 많이 힘들었던 것 같아요. 불안한 생각이 들어 가족들에게도 알리고 그의 마음을 잡도록 애썼는데 결국엔 시간만 지연시킬 뿐 그 마지막을 막지 못했습니다. 아직도 이 세상에 그가 없다는 게 믿어지지 않고 너무 괴롭습니다. 지금도 이 글을 올리는게 맞는 건지 겁도 나지만 종현이 본인이 세상에서 사라지면 이 글을 꼭 직접 올려달라고 부탁을 했어요. 이런 날이 오지 않길 바랐는데… 가족과 상의 끝에, 그의 유언에 따라 유서를 올립니다. 분명 저에게 맡긴 이유가 있을 거라고 생각해요. 논란이 있을 거란 걱정도 하고 있습니다. 하지만 그마저도 예상하고 저에게 부탁을 했을 거란 생각에 제가 종현이를 위해 할 수 있는 마지막 일을 해야겠다고 결정했습니다. 이제라도 종현이 혼자가 아니었다는 것을 알아주길 바라요. 그리고 수고했다고…정말 잘했다고… 잘 참아줘서 고맙다고 얘기해주세요… 아름다운 종현아 정말 많이 사랑해 앞으로도 많이 사랑할게. 그곳에서는 부디 아프지 않고 평안하기를 바라. . . 유서 전문입니다. . . 난 속에서부터 고장났다. 천천히 날 갉아먹던 우울은 결국 날 집어삼켰고 난 그걸 이길 수 없었다. 나는 날 미워했다. 끊기는 기억을 붙들고 아무리 정신차리라고 소리쳐봐도 답은 없었다. 막히는 숨을 틔어줄 수 없다면 차라리 멈추는게 나아. 날 책임질 수 있는건 누구인지 물었다. 너뿐이야. 난 오롯이 혼자였다. 끝낸다는 말은 쉽다. 끝내기는 어렵다. 그 어려움에 여지껏 살았다. 도망치고 싶은거라 했다. 맞아. 난 도망치고 싶었어. 나에게서. 너에게서. 거기 누구냐고 물었다. 나라고 했다. 또 나라고 했다. 그리고 또 나라고했다. 왜 자꾸만 기억을 잃냐 했다. 성격 탓이란다. 그렇군요. 결국엔 다 내탓이군요. 눈치채주길 바랬지만 아무도 몰랐다. 날 만난적 없으니 내가 있는지도 모르는게 당연해. 왜 사느냐 물었다. 그냥. 그냥. 다들 그냥 산단다. 왜 죽으냐 물으면 지쳤다 하겠다. 시달리고 고민했다. 지겨운 통증들을 환희로 바꾸는 법은 배운 적도 없었다. 통증은 통증일 뿐이다. 그러지 말라고 날 다그쳤다. 왜요? 난 왜 내 마음대로 끝도 못맺게 해요? 왜 아픈지를 찾으라 했다. 너무 잘 알고있다. 난 나 때문에 아프다. 전부 다 내 탓이고 내가 못나서야. 선생님 이말이 듣고싶었나요? 아뇨. 난 잘못한게 없어요. 조근한 목소리로 내성격을 탓할때 의사 참 쉽다 생각했다. 왜 이렇게까지 아픈지 신기한 노릇이다. 나보다 힘든 사람들도 잘만 살던데. 나보다 약한 사람들도 잘만 살던데. 아닌가보다. 살아있는 사람 중에 나보다 힘든 사람은 없고 나보다 약한 사람은 없다. 그래도 살으라고 했다. 왜 그래야하는지 수백번 물어봐도 날위해서는 아니다. 널위해서다. 날 위하고 싶었다. 제발 모르는 소리 좀 하지 말아요. 왜 힘든지를 찾으라니. 몇번이나 얘기해 줬잖아. 왜 내가 힘든지. 그걸로는 이만큼 힘들면 안돼는거야? 더 구체적인 드라마가 있어야 하는거야? 좀 더 사연이 있었으면 하는 거야? 이미 이야기했잖아. 혹시 흘려들은 거 아니야? 이겨낼 수있는건 흉터로 남지 않아. 세상과 부딪히는 건 내 몫이 아니었나봐. 세상에 알려지는 건 내 삶이 아니었나봐. 다 그래서 힘든 거더라. 부딪혀서, 알려져서 힘들더라. 왜 그걸 택했을까. 웃긴 일이다. 지금껏 버티고 있었던게 용하지. 무슨 말을 더해. 그냥 수고했다고 해줘. 이만하면 잘했다고. 고생했다고 해줘. 웃지는 못하더라도 탓하며 보내진 말아줘. 수고했어. 정말 고생했어. 안녕.

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I was broken from the inside.

The depression slowly chipped me away, finally devouring me.

I could not beat the negativity.

I hated myself. Even though I tried so hard demanding my memories that kept getting cut off to ‘wake up,’ all I got in return was silence.

I’d rather stop if I cannot breathe.

I asked who could be responsible for me.

You’re the only one.

I felt utterly alone.

It is easy to say “I’m going to end it.”

It is very difficult to actually go through with it.

I’ve been struggling through the difficulty.

I told myself that it’s just me wanting to run away from everything.

It’s true. I really did want to run away.

From me.

From you.

I asked, “Who’s there?” It’s me. It’s me again. And it’s me the third time.

I asked, “Why do I keep on losing my memory?” They said it’s due to my personality. I see. It’s all my fault.

I wanted someone to notice (my suffering), but no one knew. Of course, they wouldn’t. They never met me before.

I asked why people live. Just. Just. They live “just because.”

If I ask why people died, they would probably say they couldn’t bear it any longer.

Troubling thoughts flooded my head. I never got the chance to learn how to change dull pain into pure joy.

Pain is just pain.

I kept reprimanding myself not to do so.

Why? Why can’t I even end my life with my own will?

I tried figuring out the reasons for my pain and suffering.

I already had the answer. I was in pain because of me. It’s all my fault that I carry so many imperfections.

Teacher, is this what you wanted to hear?

No. I didn’t do anything wrong.

I used to think that it’s so easy for doctors to blame your personality for the suffering in their calm voice.

It surprises me how I am feeling this much pain. Those people, who have suffered worse than I, seem to go on living perfectly fine. Those weaker than I am live on as well. I guess not. Among the living, there is no one who is suffering worse and no one who is weaker.

The only answer I got back was “just live nevertheless.”

Asking the purpose of life more than one hundred times is not for me. It’s for you.

I wanted to do it for me.

Please don’t say things you don’t know.

How could you ask me to still look for reasons behind my pain? I told you multiple times why I’m suffering. Do I need more reasons to be in pain? More dramatic details in my stories? More stories even?

I told you already. Were you absent-minded when I told you? Things you can bear and even come above do not leave scars.

It wasn’t my responsibility to go against the world.

It wasn’t my path to become world-famous.

That’s why they say it’s hard to go against the world and to become famous. Why did I choose this path? It’s quite funny now that I think about it.

It’s a miracle that I endured through it all this time.

What more can I say. Just tell me “good job.”

You did great. Tell me I suffered enough.

Even though you can’t laugh right now, just don’t send me off blaming me.

Good job.

You suffered a great deal.

Good-bye.

Fans paid respects at a makeshift memorial at the Asan Medical Center in Seoul, where Kim was pronounced dead. An altar, complete with a framed photo of the singer, was surrounded by colourful flowers.

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SM Entertainment confirmed Kim’s funeral will take place on Thursday.

If you or someone you know is having suicidal thoughts, please call the Canadian suicide hotline, available 24/7, at 1-800-668-6868. For more information on suicide and to find help nearest you, visit the Canadian Association for Suicide Prevention.

— With files from AFP

© 2017 Global News, a division of Corus Entertainment Inc.

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